It's a rough life...

Before I get into this post I just want to say this is a great forum. Thank you to those that keep this site going and to the ap's that post on here often.
I've been a very quiet ap for 12+ years and this is the very first time I've ever been public about my life besides to my friends. I'm doing this because I'm in a bad spot and I thought my trials and tribulations might be of use to some of the Blackjack world out there. I fell into this game a long time ago. I was racing near AC and thought it might be fun to visit a casino for my first time. I was never a betting person so I really had no interest in casino's until this particular point in my life. I asked a gambling friend of mine what I should play, he knew I have a high iq and extremely strong math skills so he answered blackjack. He suggested I buy a book on blackjack and read it during my trip to New Jersey. I found a basic book on bj that covered bs and hi-lo and read it twice during my journey. We went racing then drove down to AC and checked in to our hotel. I hit the floor for my first time and immediately fell in love with this new world. I sat down at a low limit table and proceeded to lose $200 in a short amount of time. I think I lost just about every hand I played. I was shocked at how fast I lost but decided I just picked the wrong table to sit at. I watched for awhile, remembered what I had learned from my book and decided to try again. I went on a three day long winning streak and was dragged away from AC with a hell of lot more money than I came to town with. From that moment on I was hooked. It was so easy, Why do people work for a living? I couldn't believe this happened but I decided why not give this life a try? I gamble with my life so why not gamble with my money?
It didn't take me long to realize that my results were not typical. I've won so much money but I've lost allot too. To those that haven't learned it yet, this is a tough life. Do I regret it? No not really, I've done OK and got to travel, stay in some really nice rooms, eat some awesome food and get paid to do it. In my best years it was a running joke between my partner and I, time to go make a withdrawal!! Take a trip and get the money. Hit and run and take the casino's money. Then the bad happened. I got sick and almost died, spent the next few years on some pretty serious drugs and kept playing anyway. Even though I thought I wasn't making mistakes I'm sure I was and I lost everything. I didn't win a dime for two years. My health deteriorated to the point of not getting out of bed for 6 months. During that time I worked on my game and in January I decided to hit it again.
I arrived in AC with only thirty bb's and obviously a very high ror. During the first two days I managed to stay even, by the end of the second night I had lost half of the little I came with. Knowing I should quit and go home I decided to play anyway. I managed to catch some luck and ended up like the old days and did very well. Part of the deal I made with myself was if I did good I would come home and pay off as many debts as I could. I came home and almost payed off all of my debts. I was back and happy to be back. I was excited like a teenager on prom night. After the last several months of getting deeper and deeper in debt, in one trip I almost zeroed my debt. I even went so far to pay things off that I didn't leave myself enough to play again but lifting the wieght off my shoulders was huge. Two weeks ago I tried it again and didn't do so well. Arriving in AC with only thirty bb's again I managed to lose twenty across 3 days and came home with my tail between my legs and depression on my brain. I know better than to play with such a high ror but this has been my life for so long I don't know what else to do. To those that haven't figured it out yet, you need money to make money and without it you are playing a losing game. The numbers that get tossed around on here are for real. I sat through so many games not being able to bet like I should and in the end, losing because of it. I will survive and be back but for those that have been lucky, beware it will not last. To be successful at this game you need the proper bank roll. If you don't have it, don't play.

Thank you for the inspirational story and I agree 100%, bankroll is the first most important thing before hitting the games.

Break your post up into paragraphs.

You've been an AP for 12 plus years but never figured out you adjust your big bet to your bankroll? Okiedokie.

Mathman

Great, honest post.

Sorry about the rough times but I hope that BJ has given you alot of fond memories.

You are correct in all you say and I wish you the best, keep us informed on your future action and don't be a stranger on this site.

From one BJ'bro to another..

CP

More to life....

Blackjack can definitely be rough on your health. Especially when losing makes you more depressed, than winning makes you happy. Consider abandoning the game altogether, in an attempt to restore your health and finances back to a secure level. Its probably the best free "insurance policy" there is. You may come to realize, how much happier this may make you.

True, jack

I think his health problems did not stem from BJ, but maybe his depression does. He seems to have had a tough time of late.

Let us wish him well.

CP

I too would like to join with CP and others in wishing the poster well. But I must say my first thoughts were along the lines of shadrock's. 12 years of self described AP and you haven't done a better job of mastering money management? or emotions? (like depression) These are two of the early lessons that must be mastered, no?

After a fairly detailed discription of your early days, you kind of glossed over most of these 12 years. Where did all your winning go? Did you spend everything you won? Not meaning to sound skeptical or negative, just trying to get a better understanding.

kewl

Correct, Kewl Jason,

Emotions and Psyche and Discipline.. must be harnessed and controlled by the AP if he is to attain great heights. These three items are almost completely overlooked by those in training, placing far to much emphasis on things like count down times.

I do believe the great AP's have a special gift, call it "Mystical" or as I label it "Zoning", that allows them to block out all other thoughts and become one with the cards, a <special> gift indeed. Blackwoods new E Book unintentionally shows this ability coming through in more than a few of the legends he writes about. It cannot be explained, but I do believe it is real and exists.

Again, My very best of thoughts to Mathman.

CP

Thank you guys, you made me feel a little better. I'll try to clear up a few mysteries. Yes I do know what money management is, I wouldn't have made it if I didn't, however it's tough to manage when you don't have it anymore. I did my best with what I had and I hate to admit this but I honestly believed I could pull a rabbit out of my azz. Something a good player doesn't do. Yes I had allot of wonderful years, cars, trucks, house and a race team with multiple cars is where it went during the good years and the rest got pissed away after I got home from the hospital. Let me put it this way, I have a whole new understanding of people with drug problems. My whole life I have been very much in control and I never understood people with drug problems until I spent a few years on morphine and oxycontin. I got myself out of the heavy drugs, against doctors orders, because my mind was really going. When you start having trouble with 6th grade math in your head there is something wrong. The last year or so I started feeling like myself again, mentally anyway, so I started working on my game again. Physically I couldn't leave the house but I had lots of time to work on my brain.
My trip to AC in January was a keep your fingers crossed sort of deal. I knew I didn't have enough to play green but I did it anyway and played 1-5. I've always been lucky (careful) enough to control my loses and play a pretty even game when things aren't going good. I call it the slow bleed. If you are fortunate enough to catch the right circumstances you can make up for the slow bleed and do OK in a short time, as I'm sure you all have experienced. My world was allot different than yours. You guys have this site to guide you and many obviously intelligent players to draw knowledge from. I learned by reading books and getting my butt kicked here and there. I never had a pc until 3 years ago so I didn't know things like this existed, call me a dinosaur if you like. I knew there were other guys like me but I didn't want to know anyone for reasons of self preservation. Now I feel stupid compared to you guys, many of you have allot on the ball. Hopefully for me I'll get my stuff back together and get back to being out there and be able to stay.
Anyway Thank you all again for your concern. I'll share a few war stories from time to time with you guys as I'm sure you all have plenty of your own.

Interesting. Your response made me think of a strange experience I had on my last casino trip (I am certainly not claiming to possess what you are describing; this is most likely a different phenomenon entirely, but I am nevertheless reminded of the experience):

I went on a high count positive streak, winning around $2250 in 10-12 minutes. My unit size is $10, with a top bet of $125 in that instance. During the streak, I remember experiencing a sort of "tunnel vision" - diminished peripheral vision and lowered awareness of the activity around me - along with a feeling of "automation", or being on "autopilot."

Afterwards, I dismissed it as momentary disorientation as a result of never having experienced a streak of that magnitude.

First congratulations on not dying. That's probably the most important thing.

I don't think that I can really recommend trying to count cards to make money when you're already in debt. Scraping together a series of small "hail mary" bankrolls for sessions is going to have the same net results as playing with a small bankroll in general, except you're going to have many sessions where you lose the whole thing, and a few where you win big. Contrast with paying the debt, where you reap an good effective interest rate, guaranteed.

Also, only a 1-5 spread in AC? I pray that you were strenuously avoiding playing in negative counts.

:laugh:Thanks moo

I refuse to read posts like this give me headache

P.D.

It sounds like some of your problems may be spiritual, too. Blackjack can feel very meaningless and depressing at times, especially if one believes that the world is meaningless and depressing.

Pel

Very interesting, I think you were getting there. Congrats.

CP

The Zone...There is nothing cooler than that. For me it always used to happen on the days when you walked in the door high on life. Confident, happy and sure you were going to have a good day. You catch the perfect circumstances that allow you to raise your bet like a progression better would. The temperature rises and you cap your bets, catch every double down, you just can't lose. Then the pair of 8's against a 5. It's a miracle, another 8 and then the 3. Your wondering about the high temperature, where are these cards coming from? A ten, 21 perfect!!! Another ten, oh well 18 against a 5, it will be OK. Holy s**t another 3, oh my god, then the ten, another 21. You sit back, put your hands behind your head, and the dealer busts with two neutral cards. YES!!! The next hand out, BLACKJACK!! $2600 in a few hands. Too cool, it makes you wonder why you can't find that feeling all the time. You swear it's you, no hesitation on betting because you can't go wrong. A perfect run...(Luxor 2002)

Had this happen to me the on my first trip(was actually an international cruise not to LV or AC) . The first day I won a little with friends and family, second night I had lost a little, last night lost everything but $20 and said "Might as well give her a try its only $20" won everything back I brought on the trip. It was amazing just as you described it. I was doing so well the dealers told me to play the tokes I was giving them :cool2: The best feeling I had felt in my life. As soon as I got back from that trip I bought a BJ book and started reading and learning hi/low. Now learning Zen with relative ease and hoping I can have that feeling again.

PS: Funny thing was I wasn't even playing perfect basic strategy, it was the first time I ever played BJ.

my game is pretty solid, save for a few indexes that i keep meaning to learn - precisely. i've worked very hard to build a $700 BR to $10k+ and a few months ago i had a losing session of 19 BB in less than 5 hours. i was honestly a little shell shocked, but not depressed about it. somehow all the reading and studying helped me deal with it. i went home ran a sim, and was near the lower end of 2 SDs. I never felt depressed about it. I was unhappy that it happened, but didn't regret it.

My biggest wins have been around 10BB in a day, not even close to my biggest loss. Nevertheless I keep playing on, didn't think about quitting, and following this day from hell, my first stop in vegas recently involved losing 6 BBs in the first 30 minutes. it's not a game for the feint of heart. It's not a game that treats a half-cocked strategy nicely.

hope things look up for the OP.

skill, knowledge, experience, and understanding, even the kind outside of the robotic known and proven orthodox methods probably can never hurt. just maybe a limit as to how helpful, lol maybe just another unknown.
maybe having a way to understand your capabilities and limitations and being able to measure how that falls within theoretical expectations.
all a piece of the murky puzzle that we hope to put together as some goal we have.
part of that puzzle is in the mirror and needs to be dealt with just as diligently as the rest of the stuff.
far as health, yes imho there are considerations:
http://www.blackjackinfo.com/bb/showpost.php?p=96637&postcount=5
http://www.blackjackinfo.com/bb/showpost.php?p=95048&postcount=10
http://www.blackjackinfo.com/bb/showpost.php?p=114697&postcount=379

Ya, let's do. I believe the bottom line, is that some of us, probably shouldnt be doing what were doing. I believe theres a fine line, between gambling and doing this for a living. Theres just alot of gray area in there. Skill, Availiability, Provisions, Bankroll, Emotions, Self-control, Responsibility and a Good Poker face, are just some of things you're gonna need in the long-haul. Making decent money from it, is one thing, but if your still grinding it out after 12 years, and playing on money you cant afford to lose is another. Anyway that's the impression I got from Mathman. And may Ladyluck have mercy on him.

Let me just add this, to the conclusion of this post.

Blackjack is an extremely risky game, and for the majority of us, its still gambling. And for most of us, we learn just enough to lose. Its not until you can seperate yourself from "under-performer", to an "over-acheiver" before you can seperate yourself from a "Gambler to a Entrepreneur" such as you and CP have.