Poking fun of attorneys

[AnIrishmannot2brite]

I really shouldn't make fun of lawyers because I'd sure have been in deep schit without one. On at least two occasions.

No arrests and no convictions. However a good lawyer can be a helpful thing at times. Never-the-less just can't seem to stop myself from telling some of the most hideous attorney jokes:


A Sheriffs posse has a bank robbery suspect cornered in a bar near the border of Mexico in California. There are dozens of deputies and a SWAT team waiting outside. No chance of the bandit leaving without being apprehended, beaten or shot dead.

Sheriff mentions to the suspect that he's under arrest. Bandit replies:

"No Habla Engliese Senor. Only espanol".

Stunned the sheriff doesn't know what to do. At that moment a man in a three piece suit says

"Hi Sheriff, look I'm a bilingual ATTORNEY. Let me explain to the man the problem"

So the sheriff tells his impromptu interpreter that the suspect must put his hands up because he's completely surrounded and they don't want anyone hurt"

The lawyer then explains the matter to the bandito who replies in confidence to the attorney

"I give up, please don't shoot. Think of my family. I hid all the eighty thousand dollars cash in an oak barrel out back. Please please don't shoot me".

the Sheriff then asks the attorney "What did he say"?

Attorney replies:

"He said you'll never take him alive"

[glovesetc]

off of west palm beach with a group of friends . All of a suddensharks came inn and attacked . My lawyer calmly swam to shore . A l;ifeguard came up and asked " How did you manage that ?" and my attorney replied " professional courtesy """ - lmao !!!!

[Canceler]

What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

The snake will have skid marks in front of it.

[glovesetc]

and there were only 3 left on the plane . A lawyer , a schoolkid , and a priest and there was only 2 chutes left . So they decided the 2 most worthy should get them after stating their case . Well the attorney said I save lives , I graduated from Harvard , I write briefs for the supreme court , and I am by far the smartest man on the plane . The priest said humbly that he saves sould and the schoolkid said he was too young to die . While they were discussing it the lawyer grabbed a chute and jumped . The priest said what are we to do ??? The collega kid said no problem - mister know it all grabbed my backpack - after you priest - lmao !!!

[glovesetc]

canceller - lmao - but how true !!!!

[glovesetc]

client walks in to a lawyers office and sees a sign giving his fee - 3 questions $900.00 cash only !!!! A guy gives the receptionist the money and the lawyer sees him . The man sits down and says why so much money for 3 questions ? The lawyer says and your next 2 questions are ?

[glovesetc]

a lawyer calls his client after looking over his case and papers and tells him the fee is $2,500 down and $672.96 for the next 48 months . The client says " Damn that sounds like a car payment !!! " the lawyer says " it is - mine " !

[glovesetc]

a client in a multi million dollar fraud and embezzlement case was nervous and did not want to go to jail . The lawyer said with all that money you will never go to jail . The lawyer was right - when the man went to prison he did not have a dime .

[glovesetc]

and out of bounds . When the golfer got there he saw an attorney holding his head . The attorney said " that shot is gonna cost you five grand . The golfer said i yelled "Fore" and then the attorney said I will take it !!!!!

[glovesetc]

through Bev Hills when he hit a tree and totalled the car . He crawled out and was bemoaning his car when a passerby stopped and said ' Sir your arm is missing ! " Horrified he started screaming ' My Rolex, my Rolex "