In their quest to crush the casino armies, all the great counter generals got together and created the most sophisticated weapons of destruction the casinos had ever seen. They built great engines of destruction, running on precision quarter-deck tank treads, guided with the latest shuffle track navigation software, with huge side count mounted cannons ready to fire multiple purple chips, the great counter army drove into battle.
When the casino troops first saw the great advantage machines, their first thought was to run in fear. They wanted to quickly push the button to the big '86 bomb. Mutual Assured Destruction, banning and disbarment from the battle field, the ultimate weapon. But, wait! The casino troops quickly noticed that the counter army's battle machines were so complicated and sophisticated that many of the troops didn't know how to operate them correctly. They were so busy matching their side counting cannon to their playing efficiency multi-level seekers, they didn't have time to fully utilize their machines.
The counter troops drove their tanks in circles, running into each other, and when trying to fire their massive cannons, it often resulted in blowing themselves up. The casino troops just stood by and watched the counter armies massive machines destroy themselves and slowly grind to a halt. At nightfall, a few casino troops marched down to the battlefield and shot any counter survivors in the head.
The counter generals withdrew in defeat. "More sidecount cannons are needed!", declared one. "Unbalanced multi-level hand signals will solve the problem", muttered another. They set about designing an even more complicated machine, one that would approach 99% playing efficiency on the dastardly 14 Vs 8 battle situation.
While the rest of the generals were busy running billion hand simulation of side count blocks, two troops snuck away from the group with a few recruits. They were General HiLo and his assistant Corporal KO. Nobody really missed them, after all, General HiLo had graduated dead last from his class at West Point, and Corporal KO's performance was deemed even worse. Together their plans always seemed very one-dimensional. "14 vs 7? They don't know if they should split or surrender!", all the other generals used to joke.
Ignoring the jeers, General HiLo and Corporal KO began drilling their small band of recruits. Soon with a little training, these soldiers could march for miles and miles, for days on end, without getting the least bit tired or weary. Close order drills, multiple marching formations, not carrying all the extra baggage of the other fighting systems, they could quickly carry out all sorts of tasks, without breaking ranks or stride.
Soon, came the day for battle. The General issued each of his recruits with a single red brick. "What?", protested the recruits, "Where are the flashing hole card aiming devices? What are we going to do without shuffle tracked ace density guidance systems?" The General would hear none of it. "You are disciplined troops, be prepared to lay your life on the table", was all he said. And so the HiLo troops marched into battle (in single file, naturally).
When the casino army saw the counter army marching towards them, they didn't even take notice. They had sophisticated eye-in-the-sky weapons, just waiting to detect the massive counter machine's return. "HA-HA!", laughed one casino trooper, "They don't have any side count cannons!" "Cannons hell, they don't even have 9 rank slingshots", agreed another. And so the HiLo troops were allowed to march right up to within arms reach of the casino army. Eyeing the huge brick-like bulge in the counter's pockets, the casino army turned its head to yell up at management about Christmas Bonuses, considering the huge bankrolls they were going to steal from these unarmed fighters. But it was too late, the instant the casino army took its eyes from the counters, they quickly pulled the bricks from their pockets, raised them above their heads, and mightily brought them down, smashing the casino army's pointed little heads like overripe watermelons.
On the march back from the battlefield, loaded down with massive amounts of gaudy casino gold jewelry, the army passed by the counter generals. "More simulations!", cried one general. "Mount that ace-tracking shuffle cutter onto that unbalanced platform wing", hollered another. The army took no notice. They had heard the next battlefield was primarily blue in color, and so they were busy changing into blue uniforms, in order that they may once again march right up to the opposing army, and crudely smash their pointed heads with their simple bricks.
****
This story was inspired by some recent events in the Afghan war. On the same day that a guidance system on a B-1 Stealth Bomber had failed, and 8 billion dollars worth of plane was ditched into the Indian Ocean, a B-52 bomber dropped one of the first daisy-cutter bombs onto the battle field.
The B-52s last major design improvement was done sometime in 1951. The cost of the planes have all been fully depreciated, probably sometime in 1963. If anything fails on the plane, you fix it by wrapping some bailing wire around it, and if that doesn't work, slap some duct tape on it.
The daisy-cutter bomb is basically a big 2000-pound M-80 firecracker strapped to a wooden skid. I wouldn't be surprised if they don't light a big fuse with a GI-issue windproof Zippo lighter, before they push them out the back of the plane. The sophisticated satellite guided cruise missile costs about 1 million dollars a shot. The daisy cutter bomb costs $8000.
The 25 million dollars of cruise missiles fired on the opening day of the war, caused the enemy to retreat into mountain strong holds where they vowed to fight to the death. Three daisy cutter bombs dropped outside one region of Afghanistan, caused a whole city to immediately surrender.
1 cruise missile = 125 daisy cutters. 1 B-1 Stealth Bomber = Several squadrons of B52s.
****
When the casino troops first saw the great advantage machines, their first thought was to run in fear. They wanted to quickly push the button to the big '86 bomb. Mutual Assured Destruction, banning and disbarment from the battle field, the ultimate weapon. But, wait! The casino troops quickly noticed that the counter army's battle machines were so complicated and sophisticated that many of the troops didn't know how to operate them correctly. They were so busy matching their side counting cannon to their playing efficiency multi-level seekers, they didn't have time to fully utilize their machines.
The counter troops drove their tanks in circles, running into each other, and when trying to fire their massive cannons, it often resulted in blowing themselves up. The casino troops just stood by and watched the counter armies massive machines destroy themselves and slowly grind to a halt. At nightfall, a few casino troops marched down to the battlefield and shot any counter survivors in the head.
The counter generals withdrew in defeat. "More sidecount cannons are needed!", declared one. "Unbalanced multi-level hand signals will solve the problem", muttered another. They set about designing an even more complicated machine, one that would approach 99% playing efficiency on the dastardly 14 Vs 8 battle situation.
While the rest of the generals were busy running billion hand simulation of side count blocks, two troops snuck away from the group with a few recruits. They were General HiLo and his assistant Corporal KO. Nobody really missed them, after all, General HiLo had graduated dead last from his class at West Point, and Corporal KO's performance was deemed even worse. Together their plans always seemed very one-dimensional. "14 vs 7? They don't know if they should split or surrender!", all the other generals used to joke.
Ignoring the jeers, General HiLo and Corporal KO began drilling their small band of recruits. Soon with a little training, these soldiers could march for miles and miles, for days on end, without getting the least bit tired or weary. Close order drills, multiple marching formations, not carrying all the extra baggage of the other fighting systems, they could quickly carry out all sorts of tasks, without breaking ranks or stride.
Soon, came the day for battle. The General issued each of his recruits with a single red brick. "What?", protested the recruits, "Where are the flashing hole card aiming devices? What are we going to do without shuffle tracked ace density guidance systems?" The General would hear none of it. "You are disciplined troops, be prepared to lay your life on the table", was all he said. And so the HiLo troops marched into battle (in single file, naturally).
When the casino army saw the counter army marching towards them, they didn't even take notice. They had sophisticated eye-in-the-sky weapons, just waiting to detect the massive counter machine's return. "HA-HA!", laughed one casino trooper, "They don't have any side count cannons!" "Cannons hell, they don't even have 9 rank slingshots", agreed another. And so the HiLo troops were allowed to march right up to within arms reach of the casino army. Eyeing the huge brick-like bulge in the counter's pockets, the casino army turned its head to yell up at management about Christmas Bonuses, considering the huge bankrolls they were going to steal from these unarmed fighters. But it was too late, the instant the casino army took its eyes from the counters, they quickly pulled the bricks from their pockets, raised them above their heads, and mightily brought them down, smashing the casino army's pointed little heads like overripe watermelons.
On the march back from the battlefield, loaded down with massive amounts of gaudy casino gold jewelry, the army passed by the counter generals. "More simulations!", cried one general. "Mount that ace-tracking shuffle cutter onto that unbalanced platform wing", hollered another. The army took no notice. They had heard the next battlefield was primarily blue in color, and so they were busy changing into blue uniforms, in order that they may once again march right up to the opposing army, and crudely smash their pointed heads with their simple bricks.
****
This story was inspired by some recent events in the Afghan war. On the same day that a guidance system on a B-1 Stealth Bomber had failed, and 8 billion dollars worth of plane was ditched into the Indian Ocean, a B-52 bomber dropped one of the first daisy-cutter bombs onto the battle field.
The B-52s last major design improvement was done sometime in 1951. The cost of the planes have all been fully depreciated, probably sometime in 1963. If anything fails on the plane, you fix it by wrapping some bailing wire around it, and if that doesn't work, slap some duct tape on it.
The daisy-cutter bomb is basically a big 2000-pound M-80 firecracker strapped to a wooden skid. I wouldn't be surprised if they don't light a big fuse with a GI-issue windproof Zippo lighter, before they push them out the back of the plane. The sophisticated satellite guided cruise missile costs about 1 million dollars a shot. The daisy cutter bomb costs $8000.
The 25 million dollars of cruise missiles fired on the opening day of the war, caused the enemy to retreat into mountain strong holds where they vowed to fight to the death. Three daisy cutter bombs dropped outside one region of Afghanistan, caused a whole city to immediately surrender.
1 cruise missile = 125 daisy cutters. 1 B-1 Stealth Bomber = Several squadrons of B52s.
****
